Strangers to Ourselves, by Dr. Jim Savage

One of the most important aspects of growing up is learning to take charge of and responsibility for one's own life. The complete dependence with which we begin life as infants must slowly and surely be replaced by independence. While no one ever gains complete independence - by our very nature we are not complete within ourselves - a healthy independence is essential to maturity.

Sometimes people are threatened by the healthy growing independence of people they may wish to keep dependent, and thus under their control. It is not unusual to see a subtle (and sometimes not too subtle) battle develop along these lines between parent and child or husband and wife. But taking control of one's own life is a natural process. Some of the most profound parenting mistakes I have seen have to do with parents not knowing when to keep control of a child and when to turn loose. There is no set formula you may follow. Only parents who are sensitively and lovingly involved in the maturation of their children will know when.

I have seen many marriages 'go south' and end up in divorce because of the strange and unrealistic behavior of a controlling mate. The quest for power in a marriage is a very bad sign. It is almost axiomatic that the person with the most power loves least. Any time someone exercises control over another person by manipulation, fear, or any other means, they should not be surprised when the oppressed person someday makes a declaration of independence and leaves.

In his book, "The Mask Behind the Mask", Peter Evans, biographer of Peter Sellers, says that Sellers played so many roles that he sometimes was not sure of his own identity. Approached by a fan who asked him, "Are you Peter Sellers?", Evans said Sellers answered briskly, "Not today", and walked on.

There are some people who act as if they were visitors or strangers in their own lives. Instead of attempting to map out the direction of their lives, they seem to be along just for the ride.

Take charge of your life, for you are really not able to give your life to anyone or anything until you first possess it. Teach your children (slowly) how to achieve meaningful independence. It will be a gift of great value to them as long as they live. It will mean far more than any material bequest you may leave them in your will. We will not be with our children forever. We begin to influence them before we realize it, and we finish before we want to. While we all hope to be missed when we are gone, we do not wish our final absence to leave those we love paralyzed.

We will always be dependent to some degree and in some matters, but we achieve our highest potential as we learn to take charge of our own lives. And it goes without saying that we are responsible for all of that of which we take charge.

What Would You Have Me Do Now, by Dr. Jim Savage

One of my dear friends and valued colleagues was the late Dr. Rodney Wilmoth. I can still see the twinkle in his eye as he told the story about a man-servant of a Duke and Duchess in Europe many years ago. The following conversation took place between the man-servant and the Duchess.

"James, how long have you been with us?"

"About 30 years", he replied.

"According to my records", said the Duchess, "you were employed to look after the dog".

"Yes, ma'am", James replied.

"James, that dog died 27 years ago!"

"Yes, ma'am", he said. "What would you like to have me do now?"

I spent 48 years in a profession in which one of the prominent expectations was to help everybody find something to do. While I am not sure that this expectation is completely legitimate, the fact that clergy spend so much time and effort at this has legitimized the expectation to the extent that most people think it comes straight out of the Bible. There are times in which the process becomes a kind of game of 'hide and seek'. There is a category of people in every church and community who, when they are asked to do something, will decline, but who leave you with the impression that if you were a proper leader, you would be able to 'guess' what they would like to do. This is great sport with some people, but it will frustrate any who have accepted this 'hide and seek' process as a legitimate expectation of leadership.

One of the most thrilling experiences of a church or community leader is to have people ask for what they want. There is, however, a sense in which there is something everyone can do without having to ask or be asked. Any person who genuinely wants to do something positive for the church, the community, the country, or for some individual person, can easily find many things begging to be done. They are usually things that are so simple anyone can do them, and so important that if they are left undone we will all be the poorer.

Smile at some lonely stranger. Speak to someone you do not know. Pick up a piece of trash. Find a person dining alone in a restaurant and when you leave pay for their meal and leave before they know who you are. Use your imagination and the list becomes endless. Then you will never have to ask the Duchess, the pastor, or anyone what to do next. The world is a better place when we practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

Weeping With One Eye, by Dr. Jim Savage

Sometimes we are smitten by a phrase that conjures up remarkable mental images. There are phrases that drip with emotion and meaning and which beg to be repeated, dissected and discussed. They come from strange places and strange people, and they stir up strange feelings. One such phrases for me was: "Weeping With One Eye".

The late Dr. Scott Peck of The Road Less Traveled fame (who said he did not remember where he heard it) tossed this phrase into a small circle of people, toyed with it philosophically for a few minutes and then left it with us.

It has been like a cocklebur in my mind since that time.

My first impression was: "What a way to describe somebody who just half cares - somebody who is good enough not to ignore the pain of others, but not good enough or not strong enough to enter fully into that pain". There is no way to take away the suffering of others without entering into it. People who really care not only cry, they also get their hands dirty and they spend money.

Deep in the Old Testament there is a piece of writing called Lamentations. It is traditionally thought to have been written by Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. It is a funeral song written about the destruction of Jerusalem. In 587 BC, the Babylonian army destroyed the city of Jerusalem. They deported all the able-bodied people to Babylonia where they remained in exile for almost fifty years. Surveying the obvious tragedy of the situation, Jeremiah cries out: "Is this nothing to you, all you who pass by?" (Lam. 1:12) There are times in which the sorrow and tragedy in us or around us is so obvious that we become distressed when others do not see and feel it as we do. I do not know what touches you to turn your tears to anger. It may be senseless ethnic cleansing, the wars of religious hatred, starvation in a world of plenty, destructive ignorance, or the homeless people who sleep in the doorways of churches and businesses. There does come a time to act in the tradition of Jeremiah - to quit crying long enough to grab the world by the coattails and scream in the ears of the indifferent masses: "Is this nothing to you, all you who pass by?" If you care you cannot remain dry-eyed and silent.

In the slums of Calcutta, India, thousands live on the streets. If they own a ragged blanket to spread over the place where they sleep, they feel lucky. Early each morning trucks come by to pick up the bodies of those who die in the night. Babies are born on the sidewalk and left in cardboard boxes. In the midst of this abject poverty and unspeakable suffering a tiny little woman who, until her recent death, could be seen moving among the sick, homeless and hungry, giving help wherever and however she could. She was an Albanian nun lovingly called Mother Teresa. She walked among these homeless, hurting people. She bent low to touch them, whispering a word of comfort and encouragement to them. She lifted the dying in her arms to hold them as they died. She was not afraid of them. She wept and worked and walked and begged for them. She is a proper model for what to do when weeping, even with both eyes, is not enough. There is so much in this world to cry and care about!

It has been said and it is true: "People do not care how much we know until they know how much we care".

An Encouraging Word Makes a Difference, by Dr. Jim Savage

It is difficult to estimate the extent to which a word of interest or encouragement can brighten and empower the lives of people we encounter every day. It costs so little and means so much that it would be a shame to withhold the words we can give to those whose lives these words would strengthen.

One day Verdi, the great musician and composer, came upon an organ grinder who was messy, dirty, and greasy. Even his monkey was dirty. Worst of all, he was playing the tune on his instrument too slowly. Verdi tapped the man on the shoulder as he walked past him and said, "Pick it up; pick it up". Three weeks later Verdi came upon this very same fellow again, and to his surprise the man was clean, neat and well-dressed. Even his monkey was neat and clean now. But, best of all, he was playing the tune in perfect time. Verdi walked past the man and turned to congratulate him on his tremendous improvement of appearance and style and, to his utter surprise, saw a band on the organ-grinder's hat which read: "Master Musician, Student of Verdi".

A word of encouragement or guidance from someone whose judgment we value can revolutionize our lives. When we feel that nobody cares how we look or work, then we begin to lose our sense of pride. Sometime just a word, spoken in the right tone, can restore our pride and bring out the best in us.

There are few, if any, of us who have not been discouraged and depressed over circumstances over which we had little or no control. We have watched late into the night with some loved one who was dying and we have felt the frustration of helplessness. We have watched the questioning face of a child in pain when we could find no words to comfort or explain. We have watched the savings of a lifetime disappear. We have felt the sense of shame and embarrassment over losing our job. We have experienced the pain of divorce as we lost the love of someone to whom our lives had been knitted by children and years. We have watched our children, around whose lives we have built our lives, leave us. We have been rejected by persons we loved, but who did not love us back. We have been excluded from groups to which we wanted to belong, and shunned by people whose companionship we craved. We have hurt late into the night for no specific reason, that we could identify, but simply because somewhere along the way our reason for living fell through a crack in the bottom of life. Have I left you out of this list? If so, call me.

People who are hurting need more than idle encouragement of the unaffected.

It costs the giver so little and means so much to the receiver that we should be generous with our words of interest and encouragement. Look around you today for some person who seems to be down. Give them an encouraging word. It will enrich both of you.

Divorce Prevention Tips

THIS LIST OF DIVORCE PREVENTION TIPS WAS WRITTEN BY DR. THOMAS LANE BUTTS, PASTORAL COUNSELOR AND PASTOR EMERITUS OF THE FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH OF MONROEVILLE, ALABAMA. FEBRUARY, 2009

Economic uncertainty, unemployment and fear about possible job-loss can, and often does, cause stress on marriages. If a marriage is already experiencing problems, the stress of a poor economy can push a marriage into deeper trouble. It can cause new and unexpected problems to surface. Under such circumstance there is danger that troubled married couples will jump to the conclusion that divorce is the best solution to complex problems. The idea that divorce will solve financial and relationship problems is an illusion. The result is usually more problems and more hurt to more people than you can imagine. With this in mind, consider these suggestions on divorce prevention.

(1) One of the primary causes of divorce is loss of communication or miscommunication between a couple. Silence in marriage is a deadly sound. Talk about your problems openly and honestly with your spouse. Hear each other out. This will at least save you from misunderstandings. No matter what the problem may be in your understanding of reality, tell your spouse what you think and how you feel. This should be done in a civil manner, without exaggerations and crude language.

(2) Do not have "heated" discussions in the presence of small children. One of the earliest fears of a child is the loss of one or both parents. Do not use your children as a weapon in a verbal battle or marital war. You will live to regret it. They will be damaged and your cause will not be helped.

(3) If you have money problems, sit down TOGETHER and draw up a budget based on your total income and your necessary expenditures. Find adjustments upon which you both agree. Do not make large and/or undiscussed purchases. Beware of credit cards. Pay off your credit card debt FIRST. The compounding interest will eat you up. You would be wise to stop using credit cards altogether if you cannot pay them off each month.

(4) Do not use alcohol or other drugs to deaden the pain of your problems. It will not work. Use only prescription drugs and follow your doctor's orders strictly in using any drug.

(5) If you (and/or your spouse) are drinking too much, do not ignore the problem. Bring it out in the open, discuss it and make mutual resolutions to address the issue.

(6) Jealously and possessiveness are dangerous ways of relating. When parading behind religious language, and offered in the name of love, they become insidious tools of manipulation that can finally destroy a marriage relationship. If you have suspicions about the behavior of you husband or wife, i.e. if you think they are cheating on you, address the problem openly, directly and quickly. You could be mistaken, but if you are not, the matter should not be allowed to continue.

(7) If you are having marriage problems you cannot resolve between the two of you, get help from an objective outside person who by reason of training and experience in the field of marriage and family counseling can help you or refer you for professional help. This may be your Pastor. At least this is a good place to start. Do not discuss your marriage problems with relatives and casual friends. (The exception to that is if you need quick help and protection in the case of abuse). Their advice is not likely to be helpful. It could be hurtful.

(8) Go to Church. If you do not have a church, find one. It is always wise to have and loving and supportive community in the event of serious trouble. There are many fine churches and pastors in this county.

(9) Remember what you agreed to in your marriage vows, especially that part about: "for better or worse; richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish until death do us part." That was a contract you signed on to in the presence of God and other witnesses. Breaking it will be costly in many ways.

(10) Remember the lasting damage that a divorce can do to your children. It lasts a life-time. If you do not understand the full implications of that damage, visit me or your pastor and we will explain it to you in Monroe County English. You really do not want to inflict a life-time wound on your children!!!

(11) Spouse and child abuse is absolutely unacceptable!! Do not do it. Do not tolerate it. Physical abuse has legal consequences. Verbal and emotional abuse has serious moral consequences, and is often the prelude to physical abuse if it is tolerated.

(12) If you have marriage problems you cannot resolve, ask your doctor, minister or some other trusted person to help you, or to send you to someone else who can help.

(13) Divorce is far more expensive than you ever thought possible. It will cost you in more ways than you can imagine, and leave you with regrets that will last a life-time.

(14) If you are tempted to file for a divorce, ask your lawyer to show you the laundry list of bad things that will said about your spouse in a divorce complaint. And, remember that an equally ugly set of very bad things will be said about you in response.

(15) When you discuss problems with your spouse, fight fair. Do not use abusive accusations and language that you know to be untrue and which you may want to take back later in some possible reconciliation. Words CAN and DO wound. Sometimes these wounds never heal.

(16) There is more!! But, make your own list and reread this list when it is appropriate to do so.

Another Aspect of Freedom, by Dr. Jim Savage

Last week I told the story of one brave man, Alex Campbell, who died for freedom during World War II. Alex Campbell is 'legion'. Because there are so many who have done so much, we tend to lose the power of the specifics in the overwhelming numbers. Because we have inherited a unique freedom, it is incumbent on each of us to live and act like free people.

We have in this country, even with all its failings, a species of freedom that is unique in the world. And when 50 per cent of the eligible voters stay away from the polls, it is obvious we do not appreciate what we have.

There is something we need to understand about this matter of freedom. Political freedom does not assure personal freedom. While personal freedom may be easier to achieve in a politically free society, it does not confer personal freedom. Personal freedom is a personal achievement.

There are many who live in our free society who are not free. They live in oppressive and/or abusive relationships - either by choice or by some species of force that constitutes the worst kind of tyranny.

There are many slaves in our free society. They have chosen or fallen into an addiction. They are slaves to drugs or alcohol or tobacco. There are many people walking around in what we think is a free world, but they wear chains that are very real. If you look closely, you can see it in their eyes, hear it in the timbre of their voices, and see it in their broken lives and relationships.

We all know people in our free society who are in a constant state of war against unseen enemies within which hold them prisoner. They flail out at spouses, brothers and sisters, parents, colleagues at work, and even strangers on the street in a desperate effort to free themselves, but they never win because they are not fighting the right enemy. They battle imagined external enemies when the real enemy is within. Until they look within and ask God to join them in the battle, there is no victory, no truce, no freedom and no peace.

Can you hear what I am saying? Just how free are you in our free society?

Signs and Wonders

SIGNS AND WONDERS

"God delivers and rescues, He works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth." (Dan 6:27)

"Now to Him who by the Power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine, to Him be Glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Eph 3:20-21)

Prayer is not an indifferent or a small thing. It is not a sweet little privilege. It is a great prerogative, far-reaching in its effects. Failure to pray entails losses far beyond the person who neglects it. Prayer is not a mere episode of the Christian Life. Rather the Whole Life is a Preparation for and the Result of Prayer. In its condition, Prayer is the sum of religion.

Faith is but a channel of Prayer. Faith gives it wings and swiftness. Prayer is the lungs through which Holiness breathes.

Prayer is not only the Language of Spiritual Life, but makes its very Essence and Forms its Real Character. (Edward M. Bounds, "The Possibilities of Prayer")

Paul wrote Ephesians while in prison at Rome. He wants to strengthen them in the Faith of Christ and to give exalted views of the Love of God, and of the dignity and excellence of Christ, fortifying their minds against the scandal of the Cross. He tells them they were Saved by Grace and they now have equal privileges with the Jews. He encourages them to Persevere in their Christian Calling, urging them to Walk in a manner becoming their profession....They have Special Duties.......

The apostle asks for Spiritual Blessings, which are the best Blessings. Strength from the Spirit of God in the inner person; strength for the soul; the strength of Faith to serve God and to do our duty. If the Law of Christ is written in our hearts, and the Love of Christ is shed abroad there, then Christ dwells there. Where His Spirit Dwells, there He Dwells.

How Powerfully the apostle speaks of the Love of Christ!

The breadth shows its extent to All nations and ranks; the length, that it continues from everlasting to everlasting; the depth, its saving those who are sunk into the depths of sin and misery; the height, its raising them up to heavenly happiness and glory.

Those who receive Grace for Grace from Christ' fullness, may be said to be Filled with the Fullness of God.

It is proper always to end prayers with praises. Let us expect more, encouraged by what Christ has already done for our souls, being assured that the Conversion of sinners and the comfort of Believers, will be to His Glory, for ever and ever. (Eph 3:13-21, Matthew Henry)

Dear God, how can we understand that which is beyond imagination? How can we Know that which surpasses Knowledge? Thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus, to show us the Way of Love. Christ Jesus, how can we even ask for Your Love after the way we have turned from You? Yet, You have Loved us in Ways we cannot imagine.....We are contained in the boundaries of Love...We will never find the outermost limits of Your Love for us. Your Love is immeasurable, inexhaustible, inescapable, irrepressible, insatiable, irrational.....O Lord, help us in our deepest desire to Know Your Love through personal Experience. Thank You, for Such Love! Come, Holy Spirit this day and fill us with Your unlimited Resources until we are fully Focused on Love. Thank You, Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen.

"Higher than the highest heavens, Deeper than the deepest sea, Wider than I can ever imagine, Is Your great Love for me, Your great Love for me." (1997, Morris Chapman)